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>: HELLO THERE, WE’RE PORN STARS,

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>: ON THE INTERNET.

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>: HAPPY VALENTINES DAY.

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>: HERE’S 5 REASONS WE HATE FIFTY SHADES OF GREY.

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>: NUMBER ONE.

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>: IT’S JUST CLICHE MALE DOMINATE FEMALE SUBMISSIVE.

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>: SNOOZE FEST.

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>: BORING.

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>: OLD HAT.

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>: THAT’S LIKE THE MOST LAME TYPE OF PORN.

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>: IF YOU WANT SOMETHING LESS ANTIQUATED AND MISOGYNISTIC AND MORE

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>: EMPOWERING TO THE FEMALE

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>: YOU CAN SEARCH ANY ONE OF THESE PORN CATEGORIES.

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>: NUMBER 2,

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>: MOVIE TICKETS ARE EXPENSIVE.

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>: WHY WOULD YOU SPEND $15 DOLLARS TO WATCH SIMULATED SEX,

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>: WHEN YOU COULD JUST PAUSE THIS VIDEO AND

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>: TYPE MY NAME INTO GOOGLE

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>: AND WATCH EVERYTHING THEY PRETEND TO DO FOR FREE.

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>: FOR FREE.

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>: PROBABLY WITH BETTER DIALOGUE TOO.

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>: WHICH BRINGS US TO NUMBER 3.

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>: THAT SHIT IS POORLY WRITTEN.

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>: POORLY WRITTEN.

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>: IT’S AN INSULT TO PORNOGRAPHY.

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>: HERE’S A TERRIBLE LINE FROM THE BOOK:

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>: 2 ORGASMS, COMING APART AT THE SEAMS, LIKE A SPIN CYCLE ON A WASHING MACHINE.

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WOW.

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>: THAT SOUNDS TERRIFYING.

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>: E. L. JAMES SIMILE GAME IS WEEK.

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>: NUMBER 4,

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>: IT’S NOT GOING TO BE SEXY AT ALL.

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>: DO YOU THINK THEY CAN SHOW YOU SOMETHING SEXY,

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>: IN THE SAME THEATER THEY’RE SHOWING SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS.

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>: DON’T YOU WANT TO SEE EVERYTHING?

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>: IT’S 2015.

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>: WHERE’S THE DICK?

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>: WHERE’S THE DICK?

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>: WHERE’S THE DICK?

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>: HERE’S WHAT SEX WILL LOOK LIKE IN A MOVIE?

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(she imitates sexual sounds)

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>: OH YES, THANK YOU.

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BULLSHIT LIKE THAT.

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HERE’S WHAT SEX ON CAMERA ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE.

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>: HEY, ARE YOU BLURRING THIS OUT?

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>: THIS IS THE INTERNET.

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>: WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?

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>: IF YOU’RE EMBARRASSED TO WATCH PORN,

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>: AND YOU’RE NOT EMBARRASSED TO WAIT IN LINE FOR 50 SHADES OF GREY,

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>: THAT’S CRAZY.

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>: WATCH PORN.

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>: WATCH PORN.

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>: JUST WATCH PORN.

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>: NUMBER 5,

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>: SUPPORT INDEPENDENT CINEMA,

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>: AND GIVE YOUR $15 DOLLARS TO THE ARTISTIC AND MONUMENTAL FILM MAKING ACHIEVEMENT

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THAT IS BOYHOOD.

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>: BOYHOOD.

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>: BOYHOOD.

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>: IT’S ONE FAMILY, BUT IT’S ALL OF OUR STORIES.

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>: IT’S ALL OF OUR STORIES.

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>: ALL OF OUR STORIES.

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>: ALRIGHT LET’S (bleep).

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